;awefoij ;_;

blaaaahhhhhhhh wahhh weafewfaef awera

UGH

Disappointed, disappointed, disappointed!

Damn expectations – I’m done.

Drroooo…..wwn…ning

Goooooood ol’ VY… Soooooo many people in my life have told me that VY is disproportionately time consuming and that I spend way too much time on it.  I haven’t even been that involved with the program this year but it’s still mentally and physically draining.  I guess I go back to it year after year because it’s a comfort thing.  I’ve worked my way up from a little bronze visioneer and the influence I have on some of the kids in the program… well, nothing is quite like it.  But this past summer made me realize that I may have finally gotten everything out of VY.. not to mention the fact that the  program has turned into something completely different (way too many kids, not enough structure, etc…)  I hate coming to terms with it, but maybe this is finally the year I stop.  I guess for a really long time I also kept going back because of James and Leo and all the other great people I’ve met along the way , but it’s time for new things and new adventures now.   I almost can’t wait to get a job so I have something else to focus my life on.

I have a countless number of things to do for VY within the next 2 months and I’m starting to get annoyed slash disappointed (I still hate that word with all my heart) with myself because nothing is done.  Actually, I’ve had all summer to pull my part but I decided to slack and it’s finally catching up to me now.  Where did all my time go?  I hate being hassled for stuff because I know I’m better than that… I’ve just been lazy and now I have so much on my plate  I don’t know even where to start T_T AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

….

….

Dying a slow painful death with VY shit……

Oh My Gosh

Alright so since I lost my touch for a week, I will have to resort to blogging here!

Crazy weekend – I finally worked up the courage to talk to 1.0 about everything that’s been happening.  At one point he asked me, “did I just make everything more complicated?”  To which I would like to say, yes, you did.  It only would’ve been simple if he had said “don’t wait…”  But he didn’t even say that.  Obviously he couldn’t tell me to wait for him though… that’d be too selfish of him, but a little part of me wish he did.

I don’t even know if waiting is worth it.  He said he won’t be ready until he either a) figures out what he wants to do with his life, or b) pays off his OSAP (and the fastest that’d be is in 2 years).  So now what?  I wait for 2 years?  Who’s to say that in 2 years there won’t be another girl in the picture?   I always ask what’s the fun in knowing everything…. but it’s times like these that I wish I knew for sure.

O M G and I am sooo frustrated with VY shit right now.. omg why is there so much paper work to do this year?!  And why is everything so disorganized?  I blame the committee for accepting an additional 35 kids.  We simply don’t have the time and resources to handle  a new group and now everyone’s on edge because the program is ACTUALLY starting and stuff isn’t done!

I’m also getting annoyed with the HAND (sorrrrrrry Les if ur reading this -_- I still love my peas in a pod).  Ok that was an overstatement…. not the HAND per se, but this whole thing with 2.0 is getting kinda old now.  I just wanna be friends and talk to whoever the hell I want without worrying about it and having too many inside jokes!   I know where the main problem is sprouting from………   but I’m really getting tired of talking about it.  I’m trying so hard to not make it awkward but it’s clearly not working and I’m running out of ideas (and energy)…. so if anyone else has a better suggestion, let’s hear it… coz I got nothing!

ARGH

I am soooooooooooo stressed and exhausted I feel like Im on the verge of a mental break down.  It sucks because the one person that always kept me in line, always brought me to my ground, is the one person I cant talk to anymore… I feel pretty helpless.

Leaving for vacation is always trippy because when you come back, you have a million emails to catch up on and you’ve fallen so behind with everything you just cant seem to catch up anymore.  I was in Quebec for 4 days and came back to a shit load of work for VY, 10AO, and school.  Now that my mom’s gone, the house is getting messy as shit and there’s never any food.  It’s even more confusing now that my cousin is living with us and HIS cousin is coming today.  OMG disaster.

I feel like running into a wall.

Prepare to be destroyed.

Disaster!

Tonight was a complete epic disaster and I have to blog about how much it sucked before I forget what happened…. even if Im super tired and can barely keep my eyes opened.

It all started with me planning the holiday party for Gunit.  WHY BRIDGITTE WHY.  Stop trying to be a people pleaser.. it’s okay if you don’t always have a reunion, it’s okay if this group falls apart, it’s okay if you dont see your friends.  UGH.  SO I plan this Christmas party and am the bigger person so I invite James of course.  I made it a secret event and I purposely didn’t invite Helene because she hasn’t even made an effort to keep in touch with our group of friends… why start now?  The night before the party, James texts asking if he can bring Helene to dinner.   Can everyone just stop and think about that for a second?  We’ve been broken up for less than 4 months, AND YOU ASK ME IF YOU CAN BRING ANOTHER GIRL THAT I HATE TO DINNER?  TO A DINNER THAT I PLANNED?  WITH MY FRIENDS?  AND PURPOSELY DIDNT INVITE HER TO?!!  omg.  Of course I have to say yes…. am I really going to say no?!  GEEZ.  I just didnt realize you were so insensitive.  So you bring her.. whatever, but you then have the audacity to say hi to EVERYONE individually but me?  REALLY?  Here I am trying to be the bigger person, and for what?  So that you can make me feel like I dont actually matter?  THANK YOU.  As if you didn’t get that message across when you dumped my ass 3 months and 10 days ago.

OMG I want to strangle myself right now.  Im such an idiot for even trying.  Im such an idiot for thinking that I could be the bigger person.  Im such a fooooool for believing in the whole forgive and forget thing.. (I feel terrible for saying that because Christians are forgiving…)  But I just can’t!!!   Oh and I also feeel like an idiot for crying.  Really Bridgitte, really?!  Where did that inner strength gooo?!  AAAAHHHHHH. 

I AM CRAZAAAAAY INSANE AND I SERIOUSLY NEED TO GET OUT OF TORONTO OR MAKE SOME NEW FRIENDS.

Blood Boiling

What SHOULD be the holiday season of love, forgiveness, and friendship has turned me into an evil super angry blood-boiling monster!  I cannot believe he just texted me back with “I told Helene about dinner, should be okay if I bring her right?”  Really?  What do you think I’m going to say… NO?  UGH I am a bigger person than you are, and really, its the holidays, so fine, bring her.

UGH Why do I always have to be so nice?  Why did I even have to plan this dinner?  Dear God, tell me why.  How am I supposed to be thankful for the holidays if there’s nothing to be thankful for!  How am I supposed to go to this dinner and be happy that I’m with my friends when all I’m going to be thinking about is how James asked ME directly if he could bring another girl with him?  How am I supposed to be thankful of the fact that the ONE PERSON I LOVED MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD BETRAYED ME? 

 Consume me from the inside out Lord and make me truly thankful for what You have given me.

Alas, all good things must come to an end

Tonight I had a sudden realization that people don’t think I’m serious about leaving Toronto.  Yes, I probably haven’t put that much thought into it, but for everyone that has judged my decision, you have no idea how painful it is to watch a group of your best friends fall apart because of a break up you were involved in.  You have no idea how painful it is to see all these things around Toronto and be reminded of your ex-boyfriend.  You have no idea how badly I just want to start over and leave everything behind.

I also dont think anyone really understands how badly James ruined me and my faith in relationships.  People don’t seem to understand that I have a happy-go-lucky reputation to live up to.  I’m typically always the bubbly happy girl that goes around and makes everyone laugh because of my stupidity and childish behaviour.  Well, guess what?  James destroyed that.  It’s kinda embarassing to say because, really?  You let a guy take away what stood out most about your personality?  But yeah, I did… because when the one person you thought really loved you and cared about you takes off, it leaves you in a million pieces… and unless you’re me, I don’t expect you to fully understand. 

So for all those people who don’t believe that I’m going to leave, for all those people who think Im only going to last 3 months – watch out, because Im going to prove you wrong.

A New Found Pet Peeve

I hate it when people can’t write.  I realize it’s a skill you have to develop and some people are  just not born with the natural talent of writing, but when you cant explain concepts and ideas with basic english, it really bugs the goodness out of me.  I’ll be first to admit that I am NOT a good writer.  Half the time I write things, I re-read them over and over and over again and edit them like a million times.. but that’s how you pratice.   That’s how you learn to write better.  That’s how you learn to express your thoughts in words.  You don’t put a bunch of random words together and expect other people to just magically understand, because trust me, we don’t.

I feel terrible for judging because I know I’m not good, but guess what?  That’s why I blog!!!  I write to practice so I actually know what I’m saying when it matters.  UGH.  Ok, I feel better now that it’s out of me. 

Bring on the worship music!  Calm my soul, Daddy!