Blood Boiling

What SHOULD be the holiday season of love, forgiveness, and friendship has turned me into an evil super angry blood-boiling monster!  I cannot believe he just texted me back with “I told Helene about dinner, should be okay if I bring her right?”  Really?  What do you think I’m going to say… NO?  UGH I am a bigger person than you are, and really, its the holidays, so fine, bring her.

UGH Why do I always have to be so nice?  Why did I even have to plan this dinner?  Dear God, tell me why.  How am I supposed to be thankful for the holidays if there’s nothing to be thankful for!  How am I supposed to go to this dinner and be happy that I’m with my friends when all I’m going to be thinking about is how James asked ME directly if he could bring another girl with him?  How am I supposed to be thankful of the fact that the ONE PERSON I LOVED MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD BETRAYED ME? 

 Consume me from the inside out Lord and make me truly thankful for what You have given me.

Mighty To Save

I did it.  I saw him at VY today and managed to have a conversation with him.  I looked him in the eyes as if nothing ever happened.  Of course there was that tugging feeling at the pit of my stomach that was like, don’t ever let your guard down again,  but I was the bigger person and looked past everything he’s ever done and said to me.  I took a step back, I let go, and it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

I know He was with me today throughout the afternoon.  I know He gave me the courage to face the one person I thought I could never face again.  While today turned out alright, I should keep reminding myself, though, that I am probably going to run into days where things go terribly wrong.  There are going to be days where I see him and I’ll shake and freeze up, but that’s okay.  Some things have to get worse in order to get better.

Everyone needs compassion,
Love that’s never failing;
Let mercy fall on me.

Everyone needs forgiveness,
The kindness of a Saviour;
The Hope of nations.

Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.
Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.

So take me as You find me,
All my fears and failures,
Fill my life again.

I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in,
Now I surrender.

My Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.
Forever, Author of salvation,
He rose and conquered the grave,
Jesus conquered the grave.

Shine your light and let the whole world see,
We’re singing for the glory of the risen King…Jesus

My Saviour, you can move the mountains,
You are mighty to save,
You are mighty to save.
Forever, Author of Salvation,
You rose and conquered the grave,
Yes you conquered the grave

It’s Time to Let Go

I think there are a lot of people out there who think I’m crazy because I think I can let go of my relationship and history with James 2 months after the break up.  Someone once told me that the recovery period for a break up should be half the time of the relationship.  In my case, that should be a year and a half… and maybe it will take me that long to be so okay that I don’t even cringe at the sound of his name, but until that one and a half year mark comes, I’m letting go. 

I’ve been replaying a sermon from a couple weeks ago over and over again in my head.  Pastor Eric was talking about the qualities of a good leader and the second point he brought up was the fact that not everything’s going to go your way.  We all know that.  But as a good leader, when that happens, you take it and you tell yourself that it’s okay.  It’s okay that it’s not what you wanted, it’s okay that it’s not what you expected, because it’s what someone else wanted.  That’s a hard concept to grasp.  To be selfless and to be happy for someone else when things dont go your way is, well,  really hard.  In my case, when James brings Helene to Scouts, it pains me.   There aren’t enough words that will do justice to how much it hurts.  But if he brings her because it makes his job easier, or if he brings her because she genuinely wants to volunteer.. OR if he is bringing her because he wants me to make me angry… whatever the reason is, the fact is that he wants to do it, and even if I dont like it, I have to be the bigger person and be okay with it.  That’s what Christians do – strive to be Christ like, and yes, that’s what He would do.  WWJD right?

Anyway, I’m not sure where I’m channeling this inner strength from.  Maybe it’s because I haven’t seen or heard about him in 2 weeks and I’ve forgotten how painful it is to deal with him.  But this Sunday is VY and I know he’ll be there.   Can I really be the bigger person and say hi?  Can I really forgive and forget?  Can I really step back and be okay with the fact that things aren’t going my way? 

 

Consume me from the inside out, Lord.

From The Inside Out

Today as I was listening to my worship songs in the car, I realized that my happiest and most productive year was grade 9.  That was the year I transitioned out of my gangster behaviour, the intense swearing, and the bad girl attitude into, well, a completely different person.  On hind sight, that was all because of my spiritual life.  I remember attending a conference at DMBC and was very very close to accepting Christ as my personal saviour.   And when my walk with God seemed to be going perfectly, I walked away.  I joined VY (not to put the blame on anyone else but me), but it took a lot of my time and gradually I forgot about how great and honourable it was to call yourself a Christian.  I remember I used to be all about the “forgive and forget.”  Yes, people will come along and hurt you but you could never bring yourself to hate them, because despite all of the horrible things you’ve done, God still loves you…. so why not be more like Him?   That may sound silly to some, but the only reason I felt like this was because I had so much genuine love for people.  I wanted everyone to be happy, I wanted to love everyone… I was grounded to God and He was the reason I kept going.

Where has all of that gone?   What am I grounded to now?  6 years later I’m sitting here typing on my keyboard listening to worship songs, but I can’t wrap my head around the idea of “forgive and forget.”  How do I love someone who hurt me so much?  How do I forgive them for everything they’ve said and done?  Am I really one to call myself a Christian?  How un-disciple like am I.

A thousand times I’ve failed
Still Your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I’m caught in your grace

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

Your will above all else, my purpose remains
The art of losing myself in bringing you praise

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart, in my soul, Lord I give you control
Consume me from the inside out Lord
Let justice and praise become my embrace
To love You from the inside out

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise
From the inside out Lord, my soul cries out

Come Home Running

So today as I was sitting in the familiar congregation of DMBC, I realized that the one and only person in this world that will never ever ever ever ever (and seriously, I mean ever) leave you is God.  Its probably been 3 years since I made an honest effort to get back to church.  I also haven’t seen my friends from church in a very very long time… but despite me walking astray and leaving, they still welcomed me back with opened arms.  They made an announcement about how happy they were to have me back, plenty of people had smiles on their faces when they saw me, and that feeling of warmed welcomeness never felt so good.

So mark today in your calendar ladies and gentlemen, as of today, I am going to make an effort to go to church weekly.  I dont know if sermons will mean more, I dont know if sunday school will be less boring, but I will try and hopefully God will lead me back on the right path.  I feel guilty that I left for so long and am returning when everything else in my world seems to be crashing and burning… but maybe that was something God had intended for me.

I used to sing this song with Nat all the time.. so here it is.  I think it really fits the current situation.

Oh heart of mine, why must you stray?
From one so fair you run away
And one more time you have to pay
The heaviness of needless shame

Oh heart of mine, come back home
You’ve been too long out on your own
And He’s been there all along
Watching for you down the road

So come home running
His arms are open wide
His name is Jesus
He understands
He is the answer
You are looking for
So come home running
Just as you are

Oh child of God so dearly loved
And ransomed by the Savior’s blood
And called by name, daughter and son
Wrapped in the robe of righteousness